and when all security fails, will you be there to help me through?

i hate nights when my mom is working because i always cry, because i don't want to cry in front of her or my grandparents, and i don't even want to cry in general, but i can't even help it because i've never been this sad in my entire life. i feel like everything is falling apart and there is nothing i can do about it. i thought i'd be able to at least get out and see the sex and the city movie this weekend, but i can't even do that. i have nothing to look forward to during the day. i wake up and sit, or lay, and watch tv. its fucking miserable. the most i can go outside is on the small balcony my grandparents have and watch birds and squirrels. that is the highlight of my day. watching squirrels eat bread. thrilling.

the feeling of having nothing outside of this apartment is the worst, and feeling like i'm loosing my friends because i can't do anything, or i'm asleep when someone calls me. half the time when i talk to people i'm in such a shitty mood i just don't care what i say to them. i'm unintentionally pushing people away during the time when i need people encouraging the most, and i don't know what to fucking do. i wish i had one person who understands what i'm going through, or more people just understood how discouraging this whole situation really is. i hate that i write so much about how shitty this is, and i'm not looking for sympathy, it just helps to get it out there because i feel like i can't really talk to anyone about it.

i've also never felt this unattractive in my entire life. i know that i have no one to really impress or look nice for, i just hate looking in the mirrow. i can't shave anything, or pluck my eyebrows, or do anything that can cause a tiny amount of bleeding because i'm on blood thinners and i'll bleed too much. my skin is so fucking dry, and no matter how much lotion i put on it does nothing. and the fucking scars on my side don't really help this feeling either.

i can't even imagine what my mom is going through either. she has been taking care of me 24/7, unless she's working , and even then she calls me every few hours to make sure i'm alright. she's stressing over the apartment, what i'm going to do next semester, the cost of this whole fucking thing, and just if i'm going to be okay in general, and she still manages to keep a smile on her face and make sure that i'm okay. i have no idea what i would do without her, she is seriously the most amazing mother i could ever ask for. she puts me before everything else in her life, and makes sure that everything is going to be the best it could possibly be for me. i don't know how she does it. she's fucking incredible.

i'm just going to be waiting in limbo until the 18th and know what the hell is going on, the fact that there is a chance i would have to get bone graphs scares the fucking shit out of me. i can't imagine having to go through this again. like, how do they even do bone graphs? guh, just the thought fucking scares me. just thinking about being in the hospital again scares me, thats why i just want to be as healthy as possible after this is all over, because i never want to go through that again.

i'm such a fucking bummer.

also, watching old live videos of mcr fucking bums me out as well, because they'll never play those songs again, let alone a small venue with old fans. shitty.