i hate nights when my mom is working because i always cry, because i don't want to cry in front of her or my grandparents, and i don't even want to cry in general, but i can't even help it because i've never been this sad in my entire life. i feel like everything is falling apart and there is nothing i can do about it. i thought i'd be able to at least get out and see the sex and the city movie this weekend, but i can't even do that. i have nothing to look forward to during the day. i wake up and sit, or lay, and watch tv. its fucking miserable. the most i can go outside is on the small balcony my grandparents have and watch birds and squirrels. that is the highlight of my day. watching squirrels eat bread. thrilling.
the feeling of having nothing outside of this apartment is the worst, and feeling like i'm loosing my friends because i can't do anything, or i'm asleep when someone calls me. half the time when i talk to people i'm in such a shitty mood i just don't care what i say to them. i'm unintentionally pushing people away during the time when i need people encouraging the most, and i don't know what to fucking do. i wish i had one person who understands what i'm going through, or more people just understood how discouraging this whole situation really is. i hate that i write so much about how shitty this is, and i'm not looking for sympathy, it just helps to get it out there because i feel like i can't really talk to anyone about it.
i've also never felt this unattractive in my entire life. i know that i have no one to really impress or look nice for, i just hate looking in the mirrow. i can't shave anything, or pluck my eyebrows, or do anything that can cause a tiny amount of bleeding because i'm on blood thinners and i'll bleed too much. my skin is so fucking dry, and no matter how much lotion i put on it does nothing. and the fucking scars on my side don't really help this feeling either.
i can't even imagine what my mom is going through either. she has been taking care of me 24/7, unless she's working , and even then she calls me every few hours to make sure i'm alright. she's stressing over the apartment, what i'm going to do next semester, the cost of this whole fucking thing, and just if i'm going to be okay in general, and she still manages to keep a smile on her face and make sure that i'm okay. i have no idea what i would do without her, she is seriously the most amazing mother i could ever ask for. she puts me before everything else in her life, and makes sure that everything is going to be the best it could possibly be for me. i don't know how she does it. she's fucking incredible.
i'm just going to be waiting in limbo until the 18th and know what the hell is going on, the fact that there is a chance i would have to get bone graphs scares the fucking shit out of me. i can't imagine having to go through this again. like, how do they even do bone graphs? guh, just the thought fucking scares me. just thinking about being in the hospital again scares me, thats why i just want to be as healthy as possible after this is all over, because i never want to go through that again.
i'm such a fucking bummer.
also, watching old live videos of mcr fucking bums me out as well, because they'll never play those songs again, let alone a small venue with old fans. shitty.
Friday
and when all security fails, will you be there to help me through?
its been so long
mmm, tomorrow jamie and lou are coming, and jackee and her mom are coming as well. i'm so excited. there isn't a lot we can really do because i can't leave the house, but hopefully we'll have fun anywayyy. and i will be reunited with my kitten and my camera which i am also very excited about.
i'm getting my haircut soon, and i don't know if i want to do something extreme, or just style it differently but keep the same length and stuff. i'm most likely just going to bring in a picture of hayley williams and ask them to do that har har. i just don't know how i want it cut.
i'm thinking i like this cut the best
its basically what i have now, just shorter bangs and more layers. mmm. i think i want to dye it too, i think something with a little blonde thrown in somewhere, but who knows, i'll look at some hair photobuckets tonight and see if i find anything good.
so here is my picture for the day, its of me and andrea. mmm.
Thursday
it's all happening
i got a lot of good feedback on the hayley things i did yesterday, which was pretty awesome. and somehow i got over 500 hits on the page yesterday? crazy. but its awesome. so i thought i'd do another paramore one because its fun and i'm a paranerd lulz. so here they are. view full size please :)
Wednesday
screaming hallelujah
oh god today i got up and down the stairs and it didn't hurt and i did it really well and i'm way siked. i still can't really go out anywhere because my mom doesn't want me to yet, because technically i can't really leave the house because i'm getting home physical therapy, and if i get hurt outside of the house insurance won't cover it. but hopefully soon i'll be able to and its going to be awesome. i'm really proud of myself. also, i only had two pain pills today, which is also good. mmm.
i decided today that i'm making tool time trucker hats like on home improvement. if you want one, let me know. they're going to be awesome.
no real updates besides the fact that i can get up and down stairs now without being in pain. this is what i made today, i usually don't like making art from pictures i didn't take, but this was just for fun, and i'm actually really happy with the way it came out. i'm a paranerd. i'll post both versions i made, i think i like the one without the text more. jamie gave me the idea to turn it into a screenprint, which i will do once i'm actually able to haha
Tuesday
upside down and inside out
so my mom and i talked today and its most likely i'm going to take next semester off to make sure my leg fully heals. i'm happy and bummed about it, but my mom thinks its for the best, and i'd really rather make sure my leg completely heals before i start walking around on it all the time. i'd rather graduate a semester later then fuck up my leg for life.
but, if it does happen i'll see what liberal arts can transfer and get those out of the way at UCCC, and i'll take some art course too so i can keep making shit, maybe photo or a printmaking class. its kind of scary because i never thought i'd ever take time off from school, but it seems like its something i have to do at this point. but i guess it won't be so bad since i'll be home and i'll get to see everyone here all the time. but its going to suck not seeing everyone in philly too. guh.
siked to get my camera back saturday when jamie and lou come, and get to have my kitten back too. jackee and her mom are coming to see me too on saturday. i'm excited, its going to be a good day. hopefully physical therapy will come tomorrow and i can work on going down stairs so hopefully i can at least go outside with them, but who knows.
if you get a chance, check out two of the new links i posted, julian gilbert and ryan russel, because their photographs are awesome. mmm.
now my thing i made today, and some photos.
Monday
what a shame we all became
so i'm thinking about not drinking anymore, or just drinking a lot less than i did. i pretty much want to stop doing anything that could cause me heath problems, because i never want to be in the hospital again, because its one of the scariest things ever. so i'm going to start eating much healthier (which has already started) and get my bones strong so they don't break again, cut down my drinking by a lot, and i don't know what else, but those are for starters. hopefully a good diet will help me keep off the weight i've been loosing.
i want to make personal changes too, not big ones, but just become more focused on school, become more independent, and try not to give in to people so easily. i care way too much about others, and put them before myself and it needs to stop, not to a huge extreme, but i need to learn to say no sometimes i guess.
i also need to get a job, hopefully i'll be able to to that. who fucking knows what i'm going to be able to walking wise by the time school starts. my mom has thrown out the idea of taking a semester off, because if i'm not completely healed and i'm doing too much walking, i could fuck up my leg even more and have to get bone graphs. fucking bone graphs. where the fuck do they even get extra bone from? guh.
i'm almost nervous for my appointment with the surgeon, because i don't want to find out that its not healing right or i fucked it up or something. i didn't think it was possible to have this much stress while doing absolutely nothing, oh, but it is. if i have to get surgery again and have to go through that fucking pain again, i don't know what the fuck i'm going to do. just thinking about it makes me so fucking anxious.
oh hey, something actually did happen today. this morning when i woke up i felt kind of nauseous because i was hungry, and when i was in the bathroom washing my face and brushing my teeth i started to feel dizzy and couldn't breathe and shit. thankfully my mom was in there with me and helped me sit down, but when i sat down it got worse and i couldn't breathe and i started to not feel my hands and shit.
i guess the dizziness happened because i hadn't eating since the day before, but my mom said i started to have a panic attack because i was scared something was going to happen. so, lets hope that that doesn't happen again, because not being able to breathe is not a fun thing.
also, adam came by and saw me today, which was wonderful. he wants me to design his sleeve for him, so thats something i can work on which is awesome. mmm.
wow i actually wrote a lot tonight, nice. well, here is what i made today. view full size please
Sunday
given the chance
my knee hurts, ouch. i cannot wait to be able to sleep on my side and curl up in a ball. sleeping on my back is so difficult. and i can't wait to stand up straight. and jump on a trampoline. there are so many things that i took advantage of before that i cannot wait to do when i can. even just going outside, i can't wait. i'd seriously rather be working at a shitty job, or be in school in a class i hate then sit at home all day watching what women want and law and order. god, even just sitting up straight without my hip hurting after 10 minutes is going to feel awesome. at least i have tim allen and will smith to cheer me up.
well, a good thing about this is my mom is going to let me get a tattoo to cover up the scars on my thigh, so i'm siked on that. getting a sailor jerry ship with "i can't force these eyes to see the end" around it. so as soon as i'm able and healed enough to get it, i can. mmm.
another good thing is i'm trying to get at least one piece done a day, which so far i've been doing since i got to my grandparents. it sucks that i don't have my camera though, i'm actually kind of pissed about that, because then i could at least take more pictures to use. guh. but, on that note, here is what i did today. view full size please.
Saturday
you jump, i jump
thank god titanic is on tbs tonight, because i haven't seen this movie since i was like, 12. and i saw it in the theaters like, 9 times when it came out. think about that. its kind of bumming me out though, but whatever. leo was kind of a shitty actor back then rofl.
tonight i got two calls from places i should have been. the first on was from matt telling me that they're up camping at lake george for someone's birthday, and a band is there and he called me because the band was playing meatloaf. and now i just got off the phone with jamie, and she called to tell me that they're having a barbecue at their place and someone put on come on eileen and everyone was singing. it makes me happy that people are thinking about me, but it sucks that i can't be there with them. guh.
molly had her baby yesterday and she sent me a picture, and he is seriously the cutest fucking baby ever. he's absolutely perfect. i can't wait to meet him and hold him. eee.
there really isn't that much for me to say because i don't really do anything. the only thing i can update on is shit that i've been making on the computer, which i'll do right now.
Friday
lines
another line drawing, hopefully i'll be able to sharpen my color skills while my leg heals and shit. once again, best viewed full size.
photobooth
i really have nothing to write just wanted to post this that i just made. view at full size please.
anywhere but here
all i want to do is go outside and play. the one thing i have been looking forward to doing all god damn year i can't now. i'm going to be stuck on the fucking internet for at least a month, or until i can get down get set of fucking stairs without being in excruciating pain, and god knows when thats going to be. if i was able to at least go outside and do things, even if i was in a wheelchair, i'd be so happy with that. but i can't, i'm fucking stuck here.
i'm going to have to read about all the fun things my friends are doing this summer, and i'll be stuck in a fucking bed, or recliner, or a wheelchair. i can't even go to the bathroom without having someone help me for christs sake. this fucking sucks. this really, really fucking sucks. and as nice as it is when people come visit me, it just isn't the same. i can't hug them, i can't get up and get them things, i feel like i'm boring them.
my whole day revolves around what the fuck is on tv and when i take a pain pill. i have to have someone sit in the bathroom with me when i shower. i can't do anything without someone helping me. i can only think of one other time i've been this sad before, and at least then i could've gone outside to get some sunshine and cheer myself up. i've had nothing but stress all semester, and now i'm going to have a summer filled with stress. i hate this, i fucking hate this.
everytime anyone complains to me about anything all i want to say to them is "well, at least you can fucking walk".
Thursday
portrait
did a portrait today, thought i'd share. i played with the colors a lot before i picked these ones. they remind me of summer.
home, finally.
out of the hospital and staying at my grandparents house with my mom and the puppy. its nice to be home, but some things were easier to do at the hospital, but thats okay. its just nice to be somewhere that is kind of close to home. the only thing that was bad was getting up the stairs. i never thought it would be scary or so painful to go up a small flight stairs.
i'm going to be in here for a while, because i still have a lot of trouble going down the stairs. guh. but i know that i am going to see sex and the city the night it comes out with andrea and my mom, so i am pretty siked for that. if i see people who don't know this whole thing happened i'm going to tell them i was shot, and thats why i'm in a wheelchair, and thats another fun thing to look forward to.
i'm so incredibly luck to have such amazing grandparents, who are asking me every 10 minutes if i need anything or want anything, making sure i'm comfortable, everything, not to mention how amazing my mom has been this entire time. i really have no idea what i would do without my mom. she is easily the most amazing person i have ever known in my entire life, and i can only hope that i am half as good of a mother as she is when i have a kid.
i also found an internet connect here (obviously) and was able to get photoshop and illustrator to work, so now i can at least be somewhat productive, so i'm siked about that too. i don't know what i'll be making, but i'll make something haha.
i want to do something fun for my birthday. even though i'm going to be in a wheelchair if i go anywhere, i still want to do something, with lots of my friends.
here are a few shirt designs i made in illustrator for my friend mike's band, who are actually pretty good. so check them out
the ivy league
Tuesday
tired
tonight is my last night in the hospital, which i am pretty happy about. this whole situation is still pretty crazy to me, and even though i should be bummed as hell (concidering i'm basically going to be in bed and learning how to walk again all fucking summer), i'm keeping my head up.
i am getting kind of lonely though, and it has nothing to do with the injury, it just being in bed all day gives me really nothing to do but watch a lot of tv or think, which sucks. i hate how lonely i'm getting. i just want someone, i want to be in love again so badly and i don't see it happening anytime soon at all, especially with this fucking situation pulling me back. i feel so gross, and so ugly, and its one of the worst feelings in the world. not to mention needing help all the time.
i also have really no way of making shit. i've been getting ideas for prints and photos and i have no way of making them. i can't even do anything in photoshop because i can't connect to it in the hospital. thats probably another reason why i'm realizing how lonely i am, because i usually get it out of my system by making it into something. i don't even have a sketch book, just coloring books. guh.
i know it seems like i have a terrible attitude about this whole thing with this post, but i really am keeping my head high, i just need to bitch about the shitty parts about the whole thing once and a while.
here are some gum prints i did before the semester ended and this whole fucking thing happened
