what a shame we all became

so i'm thinking about not drinking anymore, or just drinking a lot less than i did. i pretty much want to stop doing anything that could cause me heath problems, because i never want to be in the hospital again, because its one of the scariest things ever. so i'm going to start eating much healthier (which has already started) and get my bones strong so they don't break again, cut down my drinking by a lot, and i don't know what else, but those are for starters. hopefully a good diet will help me keep off the weight i've been loosing.

i want to make personal changes too, not big ones, but just become more focused on school, become more independent, and try not to give in to people so easily. i care way too much about others, and put them before myself and it needs to stop, not to a huge extreme, but i need to learn to say no sometimes i guess.

i also need to get a job, hopefully i'll be able to to that. who fucking knows what i'm going to be able to walking wise by the time school starts. my mom has thrown out the idea of taking a semester off, because if i'm not completely healed and i'm doing too much walking, i could fuck up my leg even more and have to get bone graphs. fucking bone graphs. where the fuck do they even get extra bone from? guh.

i'm almost nervous for my appointment with the surgeon, because i don't want to find out that its not healing right or i fucked it up or something. i didn't think it was possible to have this much stress while doing absolutely nothing, oh, but it is. if i have to get surgery again and have to go through that fucking pain again, i don't know what the fuck i'm going to do. just thinking about it makes me so fucking anxious.

oh hey, something actually did happen today. this morning when i woke up i felt kind of nauseous because i was hungry, and when i was in the bathroom washing my face and brushing my teeth i started to feel dizzy and couldn't breathe and shit. thankfully my mom was in there with me and helped me sit down, but when i sat down it got worse and i couldn't breathe and i started to not feel my hands and shit.

i guess the dizziness happened because i hadn't eating since the day before, but my mom said i started to have a panic attack because i was scared something was going to happen. so, lets hope that that doesn't happen again, because not being able to breathe is not a fun thing.

also, adam came by and saw me today, which was wonderful. he wants me to design his sleeve for him, so thats something i can work on which is awesome. mmm.

wow i actually wrote a lot tonight, nice. well, here is what i made today. view full size please